On "bonding" . . .

When I came, one of the things I most wanted to learn was how to love more easily, not being so choosy about the people I let into my heart. Now I wonder what that means.

When my friend Alison left, it was really hard on me - my first "ship" goodbye – because I genuinely cared about her. It was the point at which I was forced (for the first time) to really consider what I want my relationships here to be like. I remember my ship father, Des, commenting around that time that he really doesn't have a hard time with goodbyes anymore because there have been so many – so many teams he's been on that have now moved on, so many people in his life for a short time. But I didn't entirely like that, because something inside of me shook a tiny fist and wondered, “If you genuinely love a person, shouldn't you be sad when you are separated from them??”

Here we are overwhelmed with relationships, and it's really hard sometimes. We have “bonding” opportunities with 400+ people on the ship, plus unlimited “meaningful conversation” opportunities with the people in each port (with the potential for long-term relationships – I already have a few email/facebook buddies from the countries we've been in ), PLUS we each struggle, by varying degrees, to maintain the relationships we left at home. And every new relationship we make is clouded by the knowledge that, if we really open ourselves up to that person and allow ourselves to care about them, the inevitable consequence is miserable pain when we have to say goodbye, probably never to meet again. And how are we supposed to deal with it? As one of my friends who has been here awhile commented, “I've just quit making new friends.”

Funny how he's learned the opposite of what I wanted to learn here. But even as I consider that somewhat calloused comment, it makes me reconsider my original goals. I am only capable of deeply caring about and investing in a limited number of people. In the past, I limited the number of people in my life to approximately the number of people I was able to love. Now when there are so many “opportunities” on every corner, I've found that “meaningful” conversations often mean much less. We can spend lots of time together, have lots of fun, have great, open, honest conversations without even cracking open our hearts. It's really hard sometimes.

Today was one heck of a day. On the one hand, it really sucked, but on the other hand, it was so good because it was real. One of my friends here had a truly terrible day and got hit with way more abuse than anyone should have to from a visitor. And we sat and talked about it all tonight – some really crappy things – but you know what? I really, genuinely cared (real me, not the person I wish I could become) and she shared what was really, genuinely going on in her life. I know it sounds so unremarkable, but it was real and it was good.

That's not conclusive – these days, nothing in my life is conclusive, and it drives me crazy. (It's also why I post so rarely on here – because my thoughts are so fragmented that it's hard to have anything to say except the tiniest random thought. Also it's hard because my English is falling apart here! But that's a different matter . . . ) But it's what I've got for today. And at least it's a start on figuring something out for a change.