All by myself!

For a week, I am in my own cabin. I requested one because I have really been having a lot of trouble getting my sleep right (and driving my cabinmates insane when I don't hear my alarm, which is frequently now). I was afraid I would have the smallest cabin on board – with literally two feet of space around the bed (bunk bed). But sometimes the ship leaders are full of grace, and they gave me an empty couples' cabin – with a double bed, bathroom, and even a tiny fridge! And it is enormous! (Well, relatively speaking – maybe 8'x14', which feels enormous to me now!)

I feel like I'm on a proper vacation – I mean, I can turn the lights on and off whenever I want, I can play music whenever I want, and I can play it loud if I want because there is nobody in the cabins around me even, and I don't have anyone coming in and making noise in the middle of the night, and, AND, I can actually sit up straight in bed!! At first it felt very strange to me not to have anybody else in the room, but it took precisely one night to change my mind, and I pretty much adore it. Being alone is really a high luxury on the ship, and I am really soaking up every minute! Now I don't have to be up past 1:00 in the morning in order to be alone or have a decent conversation. And I even went shopping tonight and bought delicious Mediterranean food for under $4, which just fit into my budget – and my mini fridge!! :-) (You see why it feels like a real vacation?)

In case it's not immediately obvious, I am loving these little luxuries. It's really wonderful. I've been pretty busy/stressed lately, largely related to my job (lots of fun, but high stress sometimes!!), and this is a much-needed break. But you know what I was thinking? These are such small things that are such a blessing to me right now. It would be so very easy just to get used to them – and I have been used to them for most of my life – and then they would immediately cease to have any meaning for me. This “break” wouldn't mean anything at all to me – in fact, it could be detrimental – if it stretched on too long.

Is it possible that some blessings – particularly material ones – are best taken in small doses?

In Dubai . . .

Tonight I visited the Dubai Mall and watched a light/water show with my ship family. It is just next to the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world. It is incredible and beautiful – Dubai represents the height of luxury known to man. (Six months ago we were in Liberia; the contrast couldn't possibly be more stark.)

Tonight I also read a blog post from a girl who recently worked (very briefly) on the ship with us. She had learned about the money we have to raise to come, and she commented that she really couldn't understand what would make people want to come and work so hard cleaning toilets or dealing with grumpy visitors, especially at such a high cost. I so relate to her; I know good and well how easy it is to dismiss religious quacks and their endless silly yapping about God. I know exactly how easy it is to brush that off and place all your faith in the physical world and the achievements of man. In a way Dubai is an altar to man, a shrine for those who rest secure in their own strength and intelligence. (It is really impressive, by the way – a true testimony to all that man and money can accomplish.)

I have been on the ship for a year now, and I am already wondering what I will do next. Will I return to one of these regions where I have made connections – South Africa, maybe, or the Middle East? Will I go home and flip burgers? (gah!!! sounds like a nightmare!)

In a way I feel like I will never be fit to live a “normal” life – I am not strong enough for that. A place like this, or like Lake Forest Ranch, is the only place I am fit for right now, where I am faced with constant challenges that really force me to “sink or swim” in my relationship with God. Either I bite the bullet, learn, sacrifice, and move forward, or I give up, go home, and embrace a shallow, miserable imitation of life. I have never had the strength nor the faith to remain committed when life is simple and I am comfortable. Maybe that is a challenge that I will not be equipped to face until I have endured many other challenges and become even more certain that the things I believe are true.

At PST, at the very beginning, we made a video where each of us recorded our expectations for our time on board, and I remember clearly what I said: I said that I expected probably to have a lot of struggles, and also to learn a lot about God. And so far, that is precisely what has happened. In coming here, I went out on a limb for some things I have always claimed to believe, and in the process I have found those things to be true – really true, like, take-a-risk-on-this true.

I've had some really difficult times here. (I usually try not to write too much in those times because it is really quite bad and not the sort of thing people particularly want to read about. Also, honestly, I'm a little afraid of making my supporters re-think whether or not I am wasting their money.) There have been dark periods where I have questioned everysinglethingpossible and really despised myself and wished that death would come a little sooner in my case. (Don't let that come across too morbid, because it's really just laziness and melodrama – and remember Paul said that to die is gain?)

But God proves himself so much in those times. It's like Paul says – if we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself. It also reminds me of one of my all-time favorite verses, 1 John 3:2 – We know that when He appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. (That one always gives me shivers.) When He comes, He can change me, even me, and that's what has been going on with me, briefly, over the last year.

If there is anything that I understand, I understand apathy. And skepticism, and faith in the material world. Maybe, maybe one day when those things are more conquered in my life than they are now, I would be able to reach out to people like that girl, or people who pursue materialism with all the energy they can muster. Until then, I think I have to keep following God into these crazy adventures, where He strengthens my faith by revealing Himself.

Work in Progress

God is doing something so important in me. It's pretty awful, and I am so . . . hesitant, expectant, afraid, and joyful. 

 

The deepest fear that holds me, the lie that I insist on believing about how and who I was created to be, is more or less under a magnifying glass. My incessant failures are cropping up – it seems like every day that I admit to critical eyes and ears yet another mistake I've made. 

 

I've been told more that I am too hard on myself, but that's not the issue, really. Personal failure, so far as it affects and is apparent to those around me, rocks my world and destroys my false sense of security. I don't know how to cope in the wake of my own mistakes. 

He works with me, though. Sometimes over and over again on the same thing - like my dad, taking on the agonizing task of trying to help me understand geometry.

 

For years, I have had the occasional suspicion that I am spiritually disabled - that to have had the background and the upbringing that I have had, I should be so much further in life than I am. I should have learned so many things that only now are beginning to dawn on me. I'm a slow learner, but God is so good to me and so patient. I often feel that I am in God's school, and He, as my dad used to do, is teaching me lessons which are so horrible, but which turn out well in the end. 

 I pray, O Master, let me lie,
As on thy bench the favoured wood;
Thy saw, thy plane, thy chisel ply,
And work me into something good.

A Year In Review

2010 was a year of many firsts for me. Here is a sampling! For the first time, I have . . .

• Flown across the Atlantic Ocean by myself (three times in total!)
• Been so stressed I could barely eat for days/weeks at a time
• Gone for more than two months without seeing my brother
• Worked at (then managed) cash desks
• Reorganized cookbooks more times than I could begin to count
• Been on TV, the radio, and in newspapers
• Worked in Bob Marley's neighbourhood
• Learned to drink instant coffee (ick)
• Had my hair braided in cornrows by a Bahamian friend
• Gone snorkeling (in GORGEOUS Champagne Bay!)
• Taught ballet classes
• Gone for ten days without seeing land
• Spent an afternoon in a rural African village
• Learned that God doesn't care too much about my expectations for my future
• Carried river water for brick-making in a bowl on my head
• Worked in a medical clinic (mostly sterilizing and other very simple things, don't worry!) :-)
• Searched for stowaways (we found three)
• Shared my testimony with a crowd of drunk men
• Been shocked and humiliated to see the bad things in my heart
• Sung African songs to a class of special-needs kids
• Publicly prayed for healing for someone
• Swum in the Mediterranean
• Seen Roman ruins
• Asked my friends if an ankle-length skirt was too short
• Seen just how different other people really can be from me!
• Taught origami to crowds of Arabic children
• Seen the pyramids
• Been asked (repeatedly) whether I was Muslim
• Said goodbye to dozens of friends who I don't expect to ever see again
• Eaten camel meat
• Eaten at LEAST 200 grilled cheese sandwiches
• Heard teaching from a mosque while sitting in a church just next door
• Been DELIGHTED to receive a whisk in the mail!
• Sailed the Suez Canal
• Failed at almost everything I attempted
• Begun a stringent Bible reading program
• Tried to budget on zero income
• Led line dances for a crowd
• Prepared for a pirate attack
• Visited a TV studio
• Begun to understand the significance of unity in the global church
• Been away from my family for Christmas time

It's been a year of ups and downs, in case that wasn't already obvious!! But it's been a good year, and I am so thankful. I have seen God's hand, and I have come to love Him so much more. I have seen how precious little I have to offer, and how God still expects me to offer it wholeheartedly - an experience so humbling and so challenging. 

I can never be the same person that I was, and in a way I can't wait for the rest of my life, just to see how God will use the experiences He is giving me now. 

Now as I greet 2011, I say with one Jack Sparrow, "Now . . . bring me that horizon!!"