The Sea

The other day - my birthday, actually - I was on the Visitor Experience Deck, saying goodbye to two media people, along with the usual farewell chatter ("So nice to meet you!" "I'll be back with my family next week!"). I noticed an older man - approaching elderly but not quite there yet - listening to our chatter. As they walked away, he made his way toward me and said, "Excuse me . . . I'm trying to guess where you are from by your accent, and I can't quite figure it out. Are you from somewhere in Great Britain?"

In the conversation that followed, I learned that he is an old Dutch sea captain ("People call me Captain J.T.") whose health no longer allows the adventures of ship life. He was the sort of endearing old man who seems full to the brim with a life of exciting experiences and stories. He brought with him a little scrapbook full of mementoes from when Doulos visited this port - he spoke in a meeting on board and was apparently quite taken with the old lady. He had pictures of the inside of the ship, of himself on the quayside, etc. And in the front of his scrapbook he had tucked a poem - his own work. I complimented it, and he insisted that I photocopy the pages so I could keep it.

The poem touched me somehow, because now I can relate to it in a way. I have not shared all of these experiences and challenges, but I still relate to it and it stirs something up inside of me. So now I pass it on again . . . musings from Captain J.T.


The Sea
Jerome Thomas

He said, “Speak to me of the sea.”
And I said, “Beauty.”
The beauty of crystal waves lapping at a tropical beach.
Or a proud ship laboring in running sea;
Of a dark ghosting beneath a fire-red sky,
Or lightning flashes in the blackened heavens;
Of an albatross soaring above the emerald swell,
Of wind fraying the slate-gray sea -
The beauty of God, Himself, in the stars, the sky, and the vast ocean.
He begged, “More of the sea,”
So I replied, “Power.”
Power to crumple steel hulls and splinter wood spars,
Or blow out canvas and snap chain cable;
To flood continents and drown islands,
Or carry life to a barren atoll;
To spawn deadly storm and wild hurricane,
Or a blessed rain and fair monsoon.
The Power of the hand of God across Man's earth.

He said, “It is not enough, tell me more,”
So I answered, “Hardship.”
The hardship of a razor wind and the freezing water,
Or a dying breeze and the salty swill;
Of a glaring sun and burned skin,
Or a black sky and raw wet clothes;
Of numbed limbs and weary body,
Or sleepless nights and the monotony of a watery desert.
The hardship of all who work God's sea.

He said, “Tell me more of the sea.”
So I said, “Challenge.”
The challenge of a rising gale or shifting breeze,
Of a wild sea or a flat calm,
Of a torn lashing sail or an ebbing tide,
Of an iced deck or fouled anchor,
Of uncharted waters or strange shore.
The challenge of God to man, to tame his sea.
He asked, “Is there more?”
And I spoke, “Fear.”
The fear of broken masts and rent sail,
Or open seam and strained hull;
Of shallow water and dangerous shoals,
Or deep oceans and mountainous waves;
Of gales of wind and raging typhoon,
Of lifeless puffs and starving crew.
The fear that God instills in those who travel his sea.
So he asked, “And what is the sea to you?”
I answered, “My life's breath.”
The breath of adventure and excitement,
Of challenge and wandering;
Happiness and fulfillment,
Despair and pain;
Of hope and youth,
Patience and yearning.
The breath that God has breathed into my soul, that I should live with His sea.

Peter

Why did Peter deny?

I always thought that he was afraid of the consequences, afraid of the crowds. It was the middle of the night, and people were angry. But maybe it was more than that.

Maybe he was afraid he was wrong. Maybe somewhere, deep inside, he had a tiny seed of doubt that exploded to life. His environment changed; the climate changed; the popular opinion changed; the direction of the battle changed. And suddenly he wasn't sure any more.

He had insisted – oh, he had been so confident! I will never deny you!!! Who, me?? After everything we've been through? How can you even suggest that?
Oh Peter – so confident, so proud. How could he have anticipated this? Suddenly, in the middle of a black night, soldiers in the dark. Glints of sharpened metal catching the torch light; men wielding their power like heavy swords. And Jesus – everything Peter believed in, everything he knew – walked away from him.

He followed – creeping behind in the shadows. What is going to happen now?? Recently I've gotten used to being surprised – but in the past, everything ended so well. But this – this looks very different.

Maybe – maybe in the past things went too well. Is it possible that it was all too good to be true?

And then, the worst thought of all: Is it possible – that I was wrong? What if it was all an illusion – all a lie! I've made so many mistakes already – maybe I somehow managed to make the worst mistake of all! God's so-called institution is prosecuting God's so-called son – how can I be sure which is real?
Gone the memories of miracles; gone the deep faith; forgotten the divine love, received by one who never deserved it and freely returned by a heart once-grateful. But in the moment of paralyzing doubt, every fortifying truth is cloaked in fear.
And then, it that moment of weakness, a challenge – an accusation!

You. You were there! You know that man – you were with him!

That person humiliated up there, wretched and condemned – that person the world hates! You are associated with him! You followed him! (You followed him???? What a failure! I bet now you understand! You committed yourself to a failure . . . but it's not too late to change your mind! Be sensible – try to pick up the pieces!)
 
Oh Peter! Stand firm! Remember – remember the things you know! Remember how Jesus has proved himself to you so many times! The night is dark, but it won't last forever – don't give up! You swore not to leave – don't forget so quickly! He told you this would happen and prepared you for it – the things you see should reinforce your trust in him, not destroy it! You've seen impossible situations end well so many times in the past – and are you so ready to doubt that it could happen again? Are you so ready to act in favor of your fear, rather than remembering your commitment to your Lord?
Do you remember that time in the boat? Do you remember that time with the crowd of hungry villagers? Do you remember the dead girl and her weeping family? Do you remember how he singled you out and chose you? Do you remember how he loved you – and how he changed your life? 
Peter . . . it's not too late. It's not hopeless. Don't back down; don't run or hide. Don't forget. Don't give up.

Incredible India

 Visakhapatnam looks much more like the India I expected.

Today I spent the entire day at an orphanage, putting on a program for forty pairs of the brightest eyes I've ever seen. Eyes can say so much, can't they?

As we arrived, we walked into a rectangular room where the kids sat in seven rows, with a split down the center dividing the boys and the girls. It is alternately the children's classroom, sewing room, play room, dining room, and bedroom. Leaving our shoes at the door, we made our way to our chairs at the front, mimicking, as we walked, the children's greeting, common for the few Christians living in the area: hands pressed together at chest level and the words, “Praise the Lord!”

They sang to us – a somewhat mixed-up (but adorable) rendition of “Trading My Sorrows,” and a song in Telugu (the local language) which lasted forever, during which the children closed their eyes and sang with every bit of passion and volume they could muster. Our program was by no means as nice as their songs, but we tried, with songs, a drama, a Bible story, and an explanation of the ship complete with costumes for them to try on. So little expense on our part, but they paid rapt attention.

Then lunch – spicy but delicious – and activities: origami hats and cranes on my side of the room, knot-tying and jumprope on the other side. A final song, gifts (one puzzle book and stuffed animal per child), prayer, and a parade to escort our team out to our tuk-tuk. The children clustered in the road, waving, until we were out of sight.

The travel was almost as interesting as the rest of the day. Although this is not my first day in India, our first port, Kochi, felt much more like a Western city. Visakhapatnam is so different. It is located in a valley, with mountains every direction. They appear old mountains, rounded on top and covered in tropical green. Poverty is inescapable, and much of the city seems old and somewhat dingy.

Fruit and vegetable stands line the street, displaying their wares – cucumbers, pomegranates, lemons, tomatoes, carrots. Everywhere are vendors with large carts piled high with young, green coconuts. Some have customers nearby, drinking from the coconuts with a straw. In Sri Lanka, I tried coconut water this way and it was incredible – so fresh and sweet.

A man lies on his side in the road – not quite in the middle, but definitely not on the side. Is he drunk? Dead? Severely injured? Around the corner, an awful-looking man crouches with eager, outstretched palm. His hands and feet are swathed in thick bandages, with two or three appendages emerging from each. Were his other fingers taken by a horrible disease, or carefully hidden inside the bandage? The amputees are at least less disputable, although I have heard of addicts laying an arm or leg across train tracks, knowing that their begging will yield more if they sacrifice their body.

Driving past all the faded signs and small shops, many of which seem to be related to mechanics in some way, the general effect is quite grey, but the drabness is accentuated by scattered punches of color: the gorgeous, expertly draped saris on many of the women, and the incredibly frequent Hindu shrines in all shapes and sizes, from closet-sized cages to massive temples – much better maintained than the businesses next door. Some boasted enormous statues in the front. Once I looked out from my seat in the middle of the tuk-tuk, and all I could see were the feet and tail of a huge statue of the monkey god. At the shrines, bright colors abound – yellow, blue, orange – they have a certain cartoonish appeal, but how can I forget that people sell their souls inside these brightly-colored cages? Every day they bathe and dress the statues, drinking the leftover “holy water” to receive the blessings they believe it holds. It makes me sad.

I've heard, of course, of India with her 1.2 billion (yes, billion) people. I've heard that it is an amazing place, and as I see it for myself, I can confirm wholeheartedly that it is true. I'm so blessed. 

Too long!

What a downer!! I just can't leave this blog any longer with that last post as my last post.

At the same time, it's been a challenge for me to find motivation to write. It could have something to do with the fact that I'm busier with living than with writing about it. It could also - maybe - have something to do with the fact that that post sort of needs an explanation or conclusion - and I like to think of myself as a pretty open person, but that might be a little too personal to open up for the great unknown of the blogosphere. 

Suffice it to say that I'm doing better now. Much, much better. I'm more content on board than I've ever been, and - isn't that always a good thing? I have enthusiasm for ministry that I've never had before, and I'm taking opportunities I've never wanted to before. I'm getting in the habit of saying yes instead of saying no . . . tomorrow I'll perform my first drama - very simple, but I'm looking forward to it! 

The only explanation I have (at least that I'm willing to share at this point) is that I have experienced God's grace in my life. And it's that - grace - that enables me to go on living, to return His love, and to want (really want, not just in theory) to share it with others. 

I recommend it. 


In other news . . . I had a cool thing happen today! I was sitting at my desk tootling around with something-or-the-other, and my big boss popped his head in and said, “Hey, Jessie, there are some Americans here who are interested in journalism – do you have time to meet them for a few minutes?” So suddenly I found myself in a conversation with two girls from Biola . . . for a couple of hours! Actually I'm not really a big fan of meeting new people, but we had so many things in common. They had been in Sri Lanka for a month on a mission trip, and we chatted - a little about my job, but mostly about what we've been learning. I would tell something I'd just learned about, and one of them would pipe up saying, "Hey, that's exactly what's been on my mind recently!" and vice versa. What a blessing - meeting somebody who you can really identify with! God made us for fellowship, didn't He now??
Why is this so hard?

I can barely remember a period on the ship where I wasn't struggling. When I look back on the last six months in particular, I can remember so many difficult things. (Though come to think of it, the first months were hardly a pleasure trip either!)

I have seen two friendships - both meaningful to me - end. One has been partially restored; the other may never be. They are very painful issues for me.

I have seen two marriages approach disaster, which is particularly discouraging. I have seen countless people leave the ship because it was just too much for them to handle, and I have resolved firmly in my mind that I would never be that sort of person - I may be a lot of bad things, I tell myself, but I'm not a quitter!

I have failed repeatedly (and publicly) and really felt humiliated in my job. I have questioned the sincerity of my relationship with God as I have been unable to engage in different worship or ministry opportunities. For one horribly memorable night in Africa, I very seriously considered whether I could be mentally unstable. Maybe it sounds humorous now, but I assure you at the time that it was really not a joke.

You could call these things "spiritual warfare" (and actually under the circumstances of my life, I am inclined to do just that), but sometimes that label doesn't carry the connotations it deserves. I've heard that term for years, but I never imagined lying wide-eyed in bed in the middle of the night squirming in terror at the chaos in my head.

The most recent has been the worst. Strangely, numbly, I found myself smiling and laughing on the surface while living the most miserable days of my life. Hopelessness and crushing guilt . . . no chance of conquering the sin that is so much more powerful than I am; no possibility of having the strength to survive underneath such an impossibly heavy load. Grasping at straws, everywhere, anywhere, for some kind of solution. No future. Only heavy darkness in my head. Only paralysis and a desperation that I've never known before.

It's better now - and when it is better it is easy to forget how real and how awful it was. Will it come back? Probably at some point . . . I dread it. The hope we talk about sometimes on this ship is so relevant; it is critically important that in those dark times I can still trust in God's goodness and His commitment to work ALL things for my good.

This entire post probably makes me sounds like a total psycho, because my last several posts here have been downright chipper. And they, of course, have been truthful; although this is opposite from those, I don't think they contradict. Real life has great joys and great pains . . . and real life is what I said I wanted, back before I knew how dangerous a claim it was.


It's still what I want.

As long as I can survive both the joy and the pain, it's what I want.

How deep . . .

The other day, I sat outside at the front of the ship for a while. We had been sailing quite close to India, clear of pirate hot spots, and holding a speed of about 7 knots. We usually sail at 10 knots and whenever you step outside you get a good blast of wind, but at 7 knots, that wind was just a lovely breeze. So I sat outside in the sun, leaning on the ship, with the lovely breeze in my face, and it was wonderful.

And I looked to my left and right. We were close to India, but not so close you can see it. Nothing but water and water and water, as far as I could see in both directions.

And I looked straight ahead. I saw a buoy with a Pakistani flag on it, okay . . . but nothing else. :-) Endless water. We move forward for hours, days at a time, and still it stretches endlessly in front of us.

And I looked up to the sky – light blue, streaked with greyish clouds. If my eyes could see past the clouds, the view would go on forever. It has no end, or so I'm told. (I can't prove it, but I still believe it is true.) It's the only thing I can think of that has no boundaries.

And I looked down at the sea. What I see there is very different. It too is vast, but I can't see very far down. I know – at least, I believe – that it goes down for many, many, many feet – too many for me to comprehend – but all I see is the very surface of it. It is fortunate, isn't it, that the limitations of my perception are not the limitations of the ocean!

And I looked down into my Bible, sitting open on my lap, and my reading for the day - "coincidentally" - was in Ephesians 3:

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge . . .

I think I understand that a little bit better now.

A Normal Night

If you think about it, my life these days is a little abnormal. Yesterday I groaned and berated myself for not buying "artificial sleeves" (spandex tubes to cover your arms if you want to wear a short-sleeved shirt) when I had the chance. Last week I taught Sunday school to children from Nepal and India and the States and Nigeria and who knows where all. I don't have a clue how to get from one side of town to the other because, for pete's sake, I never live in the same country for more than a couple weeks. (What am I doing on this crazy ship again?)

Anyway. Tonight was so, so good and so - normal? I went bowling with my friends. Just that.

Granted, it included getting ripped off by a shameless Arab (not something I have often seen!) taxi driver and accidentally wandering into a TOTALLY sketchy other bowling alley first, but once we finally arrived, it was just so normal. (Except for the condition of my alley, which necessitated an occasional pause while a pair of dark pants and shoes appeared at the far end and stomped around for a bit, after which the game resumed as before.) We took goofy pictures with the bowling balls, tried to help that one person who seemed to prefer the gutters, accidentally lofted or dropped a few balls, generally did rather poorly, and had a lovely time. With six players, I came in fifth place - which is also quite normal. And then, after our frustration with the initial taxi drivers, we decided to walk back - which ended up taking two hours, during which time we talked and laughed and generally just enjoyed one another. And then when we got back to the ship, we gathered around to share prayer requests and all pray for each other.

It was so simple, so unusually "normal", and so good. And I know from experience that these kinds of days give me the memories I tuck away to revisit over and over. 

All by myself!

For a week, I am in my own cabin. I requested one because I have really been having a lot of trouble getting my sleep right (and driving my cabinmates insane when I don't hear my alarm, which is frequently now). I was afraid I would have the smallest cabin on board – with literally two feet of space around the bed (bunk bed). But sometimes the ship leaders are full of grace, and they gave me an empty couples' cabin – with a double bed, bathroom, and even a tiny fridge! And it is enormous! (Well, relatively speaking – maybe 8'x14', which feels enormous to me now!)

I feel like I'm on a proper vacation – I mean, I can turn the lights on and off whenever I want, I can play music whenever I want, and I can play it loud if I want because there is nobody in the cabins around me even, and I don't have anyone coming in and making noise in the middle of the night, and, AND, I can actually sit up straight in bed!! At first it felt very strange to me not to have anybody else in the room, but it took precisely one night to change my mind, and I pretty much adore it. Being alone is really a high luxury on the ship, and I am really soaking up every minute! Now I don't have to be up past 1:00 in the morning in order to be alone or have a decent conversation. And I even went shopping tonight and bought delicious Mediterranean food for under $4, which just fit into my budget – and my mini fridge!! :-) (You see why it feels like a real vacation?)

In case it's not immediately obvious, I am loving these little luxuries. It's really wonderful. I've been pretty busy/stressed lately, largely related to my job (lots of fun, but high stress sometimes!!), and this is a much-needed break. But you know what I was thinking? These are such small things that are such a blessing to me right now. It would be so very easy just to get used to them – and I have been used to them for most of my life – and then they would immediately cease to have any meaning for me. This “break” wouldn't mean anything at all to me – in fact, it could be detrimental – if it stretched on too long.

Is it possible that some blessings – particularly material ones – are best taken in small doses?

In Dubai . . .

Tonight I visited the Dubai Mall and watched a light/water show with my ship family. It is just next to the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world. It is incredible and beautiful – Dubai represents the height of luxury known to man. (Six months ago we were in Liberia; the contrast couldn't possibly be more stark.)

Tonight I also read a blog post from a girl who recently worked (very briefly) on the ship with us. She had learned about the money we have to raise to come, and she commented that she really couldn't understand what would make people want to come and work so hard cleaning toilets or dealing with grumpy visitors, especially at such a high cost. I so relate to her; I know good and well how easy it is to dismiss religious quacks and their endless silly yapping about God. I know exactly how easy it is to brush that off and place all your faith in the physical world and the achievements of man. In a way Dubai is an altar to man, a shrine for those who rest secure in their own strength and intelligence. (It is really impressive, by the way – a true testimony to all that man and money can accomplish.)


I have been on the ship for a year now, and I am already wondering what I will do next. Will I return to one of these regions where I have made connections – South Africa, maybe, or the Middle East? Will I go home and flip burgers? (gah!!! sounds like a nightmare!)

In a way I feel like I will never be fit to live a “normal” life – I am not strong enough for that. A place like this, or like Lake Forest Ranch, is the only place I am fit for right now, where I am faced with constant challenges that really force me to “sink or swim” in my relationship with God. Either I bite the bullet, learn, sacrifice, and move forward, or I give up, go home, and embrace a shallow, miserable imitation of life. I have never had the strength nor the faith to remain committed when life is simple and I am comfortable. Maybe that is a challenge that I will not be equipped to face until I have endured many other challenges and become even more certain that the things I believe are true.

At PST, at the very beginning, we made a video where each of us recorded our expectations for our time on board, and I remember clearly what I said: I said that I expected probably to have a lot of struggles, and also to learn a lot about God. And so far, that is precisely what has happened. In coming here, I went out on a limb for some things I have always claimed to believe, and in the process I have found those things to be true – really true, like, take-a-risk-on-this true.

I've had some really difficult times here. (I usually try not to write too much in those times because it is really quite bad and not the sort of thing people particularly want to read about. Also, honestly, I'm a little afraid of making my supporters re-think whether or not I am wasting their money.) There have been dark periods where I have questioned everysinglethingpossible and really despised myself and wished that death would come a little sooner in my case. (Don't let that come across too morbid, because it's really just laziness and melodrama – and remember Paul said that to die is gain?)

But God proves himself so much in those times. It's like Paul says – if we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself. It also reminds me of one of my all-time favorite verses, 1 John 3:2 – We know that when He appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. (That one always gives me shivers.) When He comes, He can change me, even me, and that's what has been going on with me, briefly, over the last year.

If there is anything that I understand, I understand apathy. And skepticism, and faith in the material world. Maybe, maybe one day when those things are more conquered in my life than they are now, I would be able to reach out to people like that girl, or people who pursue materialism with all the energy they can muster. Until then, I think I have to keep following God into these crazy adventures, where He strengthens my faith by revealing Himself.

Work in Progress

God is doing something so important in me. It's pretty awful, and I am so . . . hesitant, expectant, afraid, and joyful. 
 
The deepest fear that holds me, the lie that I insist on believing about how and who I was created to be, is more or less under a magnifying glass. My incessant failures are cropping up – it seems like every day that I admit to critical eyes and ears yet another mistake I've made. 
 
I've been told more that I am too hard on myself, but that's not the issue, really. Personal failure, so far as it affects and is apparent to those around me, rocks my world and destroys my false sense of security. I don't know how to cope in the wake of my own mistakes. 

He works with me, though. Sometimes over and over again on the same thing - like my dad, taking on the agonizing task of trying to help me understand geometry.
 
For years, I have had the occasional suspicion that I am spiritually disabled - that to have had the background and the upbringing that I have had, I should be so much further in life than I am. I should have learned so many things that only now are beginning to dawn on me. I'm a slow learner, but God is so good to me and so patient. I often feel that I am in God's school, and He, as my dad used to do, is teaching me lessons which are so horrible, but which turn out well in the end. 


 I pray, O Master, let me lie,
As on thy bench the favoured wood;
Thy saw, thy plane, thy chisel ply,
And work me into something good.

A Year In Review

2010 was a year of many firsts for me. Here is a sampling! For the first time, I have . . .
  • Flown across the Atlantic Ocean by myself (three times in total!)
  • Been so stressed I could barely eat for days/weeks at a time
  • Gone for more than two months without seeing my brother
  • Worked at (then managed) cash desks
  • Reorganized cookbooks more times than I could begin to count
  • Been on TV, the radio, and in newspapers
  • Worked in Bob Marley's neighbourhood
  • Learned to drink instant coffee (ick)
  • Had my hair braided in cornrows by a Bahamian friend
  • Gone snorkeling (in GORGEOUS Champagne Bay!)
  • Taught ballet classes
  • Gone for ten days without seeing land
  • Spent an afternoon in a rural African village
  • Learned that God doesn't care too much about my expectations for my future
  • Carried river water for brick-making in a bowl on my head
  • Worked in a medical clinic (mostly sterilizing and other very simple things, don't worry!) :-)
  • Searched for stowaways (we found three)
  • Shared my testimony with a crowd of drunk men
  • Been shocked and humiliated to see the bad things in my heart
  • Sung African songs to a class of special-needs kids
  • Publicly prayed for healing for someone
  • Swum in the Mediterranean
  • Seen Roman ruins
  • Asked my friends if an ankle-length skirt was too short
  • Seen just how different other people really can be from me!
  • Taught origami to crowds of Arabic children
  • Seen the pyramids
  • Been asked (repeatedly) whether I was Muslim
  • Said goodbye to dozens of friends who I don't expect to ever see again
  • Eaten camel meat
  • Eaten at LEAST 200 grilled cheese sandwiches
  • Heard teaching from a mosque while sitting in a church just next door
  • Been DELIGHTED to receive a whisk in the mail!
  • Sailed the Suez Canal
  • Failed at almost everything I attempted
  • Begun a stringent Bible reading program
  • Tried to budget on zero income
  • Led line dances for a crowd
  • Prepared for a pirate attack
  • Visited a TV studio
  • Begun to understand the significance of unity in the global church
  • Been away from my family for Christmas time


It's been a year of ups and downs, in case that wasn't already obvious!! But it's been a good year, and I am so thankful. I have seen God's hand, and I have come to love Him so much more. I have seen how precious little I have to offer, and how God still expects me to offer it wholeheartedly - an experience so humbling and so challenging. 

I can never be the same person that I was, and in a way I can't wait for the rest of my life, just to see how God will use the experiences He is giving me now. 

Now as I greet 2011, I say with one Jack Sparrow, "Now . . . bring me that horizon!!"