In Dubai . . .

Tonight I visited the Dubai Mall and watched a light/water show with my ship family. It is just next to the Burj Khalifa, the tallest building in the world. It is incredible and beautiful – Dubai represents the height of luxury known to man. (Six months ago we were in Liberia; the contrast couldn't possibly be more stark.)

Tonight I also read a blog post from a girl who recently worked (very briefly) on the ship with us. She had learned about the money we have to raise to come, and she commented that she really couldn't understand what would make people want to come and work so hard cleaning toilets or dealing with grumpy visitors, especially at such a high cost. I so relate to her; I know good and well how easy it is to dismiss religious quacks and their endless silly yapping about God. I know exactly how easy it is to brush that off and place all your faith in the physical world and the achievements of man. In a way Dubai is an altar to man, a shrine for those who rest secure in their own strength and intelligence. (It is really impressive, by the way – a true testimony to all that man and money can accomplish.)

I have been on the ship for a year now, and I am already wondering what I will do next. Will I return to one of these regions where I have made connections – South Africa, maybe, or the Middle East? Will I go home and flip burgers? (gah!!! sounds like a nightmare!)

In a way I feel like I will never be fit to live a “normal” life – I am not strong enough for that. A place like this, or like Lake Forest Ranch, is the only place I am fit for right now, where I am faced with constant challenges that really force me to “sink or swim” in my relationship with God. Either I bite the bullet, learn, sacrifice, and move forward, or I give up, go home, and embrace a shallow, miserable imitation of life. I have never had the strength nor the faith to remain committed when life is simple and I am comfortable. Maybe that is a challenge that I will not be equipped to face until I have endured many other challenges and become even more certain that the things I believe are true.

At PST, at the very beginning, we made a video where each of us recorded our expectations for our time on board, and I remember clearly what I said: I said that I expected probably to have a lot of struggles, and also to learn a lot about God. And so far, that is precisely what has happened. In coming here, I went out on a limb for some things I have always claimed to believe, and in the process I have found those things to be true – really true, like, take-a-risk-on-this true.

I've had some really difficult times here. (I usually try not to write too much in those times because it is really quite bad and not the sort of thing people particularly want to read about. Also, honestly, I'm a little afraid of making my supporters re-think whether or not I am wasting their money.) There have been dark periods where I have questioned everysinglethingpossible and really despised myself and wished that death would come a little sooner in my case. (Don't let that come across too morbid, because it's really just laziness and melodrama – and remember Paul said that to die is gain?)

But God proves himself so much in those times. It's like Paul says – if we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself. It also reminds me of one of my all-time favorite verses, 1 John 3:2 – We know that when He appears, we shall be like Him, for we shall see Him as He is. (That one always gives me shivers.) When He comes, He can change me, even me, and that's what has been going on with me, briefly, over the last year.

If there is anything that I understand, I understand apathy. And skepticism, and faith in the material world. Maybe, maybe one day when those things are more conquered in my life than they are now, I would be able to reach out to people like that girl, or people who pursue materialism with all the energy they can muster. Until then, I think I have to keep following God into these crazy adventures, where He strengthens my faith by revealing Himself.