Oh The Places You'll Go . . .

Many moments from my senior year at Bryan make me smile when I remember them . . . for example, one time when I earned a room-filling laugh from Bruce, the dean of students. Unfortunately I don't remember how I phrased it that it amused him so, but I had just commented on how shocked I was to find myself in a life-stage that I didn't expect to exist for me. (Um, is that confusing? Because, I'll be honest, it was a little confusing for me to write. Anyway.)

Moment of transparency: since I was a child, the extent of my hopes and plans for my life were to go to college, get married, and raise a family. I think that was kind of my definition of adulthood, and it was the only thing I ever wanted for myself. Now, I still kind of expect that my life will eventually turn that direction, but mid-senior year, I was totally surprised when it sunk in that I wouldn't be immediately transitioning from college to marriage, and I would need to have something else to do with my life. (I feel a little ridiculous admitting this in a public place - but there's a point forthcoming.)

It was actually quite hard for me to give up those expectations and open myself up for something different - something totally different. First there was my interest in working in Germany, then the missions conference at school where the ships were suggested to me . . . and now here I am, living on a big white ship on the other side of the world.

Tonight I've been listening to Caedmon's Call, and they have this one song about the everyday sacredness of motherhood, and I realized that while I like it and agree with its message, it really doesn't resonate with me at all. Most of my friends are married and thinking about families (I've been in seven weddings! Miss 27 Dresses herself!!), but I'm just really not there at all. Sure, I still want to get married eventually, but finally I seem to have lost the mentality that suggests that marriage is what I "should" be focused on right now. It's not.

My focus is right here. My focus is on introducing the ship to the world. On learning how to be a "little Christ". On building relationships and investing in people who I will never see again (and I'll be honest, that part sucks sometimes). My focus is on being a light in some very dark places, and on having a life of service - a life worth living. And I'm very content with that. Ship life is nowhere near as glamorous as it sounds (seriously) and there are many . . . unique challenges of life on board. But it's a huge privilege, and I'm happy with it.

This is not the life I expected - or the life I wanted. But you know what? It's good.