The ship is a very strange place. Something about it - someone, rather – has this amazing ability to take a pickax to the most vulnerable places in your heart and bring them to light. I've seen it on several different occasions, when people are forced, usually very much against their will, to face their deepest hurts and most diseased beliefs about themselves and about God. It's not like counseling, where a person asks sensitive questions and gently probes through your past; God knows your past already and he already knows exactly what your issues are.
Tonight I opened one of my journals and, for some reason, flipped to the very back, where I've tucked a few things away for safekeeping and (rare) rereading. One of the things I have hidden away back there is a sort of worksheet that we did during the first few weeks of the camp I worked at a few summers ago. Our speaker had created, on a single sheet of paper, a very detailed template for us to fill in which painted a clear picture of our perceived identies. It began with your parents and their perception of you, then went on to include your personality type, then your deepest hurts and, more importantly, the messages they communicated to you about your identity. Then it allowed space to list your attempts to change and your coping strategies when those attempts failed. The description sounds very clinical, but when I open that sheet of paper, I see straight inside my own living heart.
When I came to the ship, one of the things I was actually kind of looking forward to (in a sick way) was coming to a deeper understanding of my weaknesses. Pride is not a nice thing to deal with, especially if it is based on a lie. We have the capacity to lie to ourselves and convince ourselves of positive qualities we don't have, and then use those lies to inflate our egos. It's an amazing thing.
I have come to a deeper understanding of my weaknesses – oh, I have. It's amazing how Jesus' teachings are so simple when you're not actually living by them . . . when you start to actually do some of the things he said, you realize, maybe for the first time, that actually you can't. You're incapable of it. I've seen things in myself – dark things, terrible things – that I wasn't even aware of before. Most likely they've been glaringly obvious to those around me all along, but that's not the same as them being obvious to me.
I'm forever trying to put myself on a pedestal that I don't deserve, and inevitably, my self-idol will fall and shatter. And when that happens, let me say that it does not feel so nice. However . . . I'm also realizing that a person's understanding of their own wickedness must not surpass their understanding of God's grace.
Actually, that's more the point of this post. Maybe it's more an admission of sorts, to say that I've been having identity struggles. That handwritten paper shows a heart that has not been completely repaired yet. When I consider my present struggles and various parts of my history, all they say to me is that I am wicked and unwanted. But as our camp speaker explained about a flawed perceived-identity, “You came by it honest, but that doesn't make it true.”
There is a truth that is higher than my weariness with myself. There is a truth that really does give me hope. The truth is that there is a God who sees all my problems, who sees the depth of my depravity, and who wants me anyway. It's true that the heart is deceitful and desperately wicked. It is true. But it is more true that God created us, and even in spite of our mistakes, he still values, still wants us. Now that's amazing.
Oh The Places You'll Go . . .
Many moments from my senior year at Bryan make me smile when I remember them . . . for example, one time when I earned a room-filling laugh from Bruce, the dean of students. Unfortunately I don't remember how I phrased it that it amused him so, but I had just commented on how shocked I was to find myself in a life-stage that I didn't expect to exist for me. (Um, is that confusing? Because, I'll be honest, it was a little confusing for me to write. Anyway.)
Moment of transparency: since I was a child, the extent of my hopes and plans for my life were to go to college, get married, and raise a family. I think that was kind of my definition of adulthood, and it was the only thing I ever wanted for myself. Now, I still kind of expect that my life will eventually turn that direction, but mid-senior year, I was totally surprised when it sunk in that I wouldn't be immediately transitioning from college to marriage, and I would need to have something else to do with my life. (I feel a little ridiculous admitting this in a public place - but there's a point forthcoming.)
It was actually quite hard for me to give up those expectations and open myself up for something different - something totally different. First there was my interest in working in Germany, then the missions conference at school where the ships were suggested to me . . . and now here I am, living on a big white ship on the other side of the world.
Tonight I've been listening to Caedmon's Call, and they have this one song about the everyday sacredness of motherhood, and I realized that while I like it and agree with its message, it really doesn't resonate with me at all. Most of my friends are married and thinking about families (I've been in seven weddings! Miss 27 Dresses herself!!), but I'm just really not there at all. Sure, I still want to get married eventually, but finally I seem to have lost the mentality that suggests that marriage is what I "should" be focused on right now. It's not.
My focus is right here. My focus is on introducing the ship to the world. On learning how to be a "little Christ". On building relationships and investing in people who I will never see again (and I'll be honest, that part sucks sometimes). My focus is on being a light in some very dark places, and on having a life of service - a life worth living. And I'm very content with that. Ship life is nowhere near as glamorous as it sounds (seriously) and there are many . . . unique challenges of life on board. But it's a huge privilege, and I'm happy with it.
This is not the life I expected - or the life I wanted. But you know what? It's good.
Moment of transparency: since I was a child, the extent of my hopes and plans for my life were to go to college, get married, and raise a family. I think that was kind of my definition of adulthood, and it was the only thing I ever wanted for myself. Now, I still kind of expect that my life will eventually turn that direction, but mid-senior year, I was totally surprised when it sunk in that I wouldn't be immediately transitioning from college to marriage, and I would need to have something else to do with my life. (I feel a little ridiculous admitting this in a public place - but there's a point forthcoming.)
It was actually quite hard for me to give up those expectations and open myself up for something different - something totally different. First there was my interest in working in Germany, then the missions conference at school where the ships were suggested to me . . . and now here I am, living on a big white ship on the other side of the world.
Tonight I've been listening to Caedmon's Call, and they have this one song about the everyday sacredness of motherhood, and I realized that while I like it and agree with its message, it really doesn't resonate with me at all. Most of my friends are married and thinking about families (I've been in seven weddings! Miss 27 Dresses herself!!), but I'm just really not there at all. Sure, I still want to get married eventually, but finally I seem to have lost the mentality that suggests that marriage is what I "should" be focused on right now. It's not.
My focus is right here. My focus is on introducing the ship to the world. On learning how to be a "little Christ". On building relationships and investing in people who I will never see again (and I'll be honest, that part sucks sometimes). My focus is on being a light in some very dark places, and on having a life of service - a life worth living. And I'm very content with that. Ship life is nowhere near as glamorous as it sounds (seriously) and there are many . . . unique challenges of life on board. But it's a huge privilege, and I'm happy with it.
This is not the life I expected - or the life I wanted. But you know what? It's good.
changes . . .
Things change so quickly here on the ship; it's really hard to believe. I've recently had one or two people ask me if I wanted to switch to a different department – I even think that if I had been interested, I could have already changed to go work in the book hold. But I wasn't interested in changing.
Yesterday morning I had every intention of staying in the book fair for at least six more months. But today I had my last day working there.
At lunch yesterday, I got paged to go to the personnel offices, and I was thinking, “What in the world have I done wrong?” But instead, they had a job offer for me: the person now responsible for media relationships is leaving the ship quite suddenly, and they need someone to take her place almost immediately. They knew about my communications background and apparently had heard some good things circulating about me, and they wanted to know if I might be interested in taking over her job. After a frenzied few hours and multiple discussions with personnel, the media manager, the book fair manager, and my dad, I decided to accept the position. I'm totally scared – it's a whole lot of responsibility!! – but I know it will be for the best.
Side note: I've been really confused about recognizing God's will lately, and that's definitely relevant to this whole decision-making process. But when I started to pray about whether I should take this job, it took about ten seconds until I got a “yes.” Oh! Um . . . okay then?!?! I've been realizing that if I debate too much with myself and try to over-analyze the things I think God might want me to do, I can very easily persuade myself that it's nothing – ESPECIALLY if he's asked me to do something I don't want to do! But there's that story in 1 Kings 19 where God speaks to Elijah – not in the fire, not in the fierce wind or the earthquake, but in a gentle whisper. I really love that story. I'm starting to learn a little bit about that gentle whisper . . . like the fact that sometimes it's so easy to just ignore. But I'm realizing that I think if my relationship with God is good, and I think he might want me to do a certain thing, I'm far better off if I err on the side of willingness instead of erring on the side of skepticism (my natural inclination)! It's worked out extremely well for me in the past, so hopefully I can kind of keep it up.
Basically, my job will be sort of managing the overall public image of the ship – yeah, a pretty huge responsibility. I'll be working with local media in the ports we visit – offering interviews for t.v., radio, etc., hosting reporters, making sure they have all the information they need, etc. I have to know what needs to be emphasized and what needs to be de-emphasized, depending on what country we are in. And I'll be tracking and archiving what is said about us. I'm kind of shocked to have this type of job, and to have the chance to use my communications degree – honestly, I never really expected to use it in really a professional context, but here I go!
It promises to be interesting – and a challenge for SURE!!!!!
Yesterday morning I had every intention of staying in the book fair for at least six more months. But today I had my last day working there.
At lunch yesterday, I got paged to go to the personnel offices, and I was thinking, “What in the world have I done wrong?” But instead, they had a job offer for me: the person now responsible for media relationships is leaving the ship quite suddenly, and they need someone to take her place almost immediately. They knew about my communications background and apparently had heard some good things circulating about me, and they wanted to know if I might be interested in taking over her job. After a frenzied few hours and multiple discussions with personnel, the media manager, the book fair manager, and my dad, I decided to accept the position. I'm totally scared – it's a whole lot of responsibility!! – but I know it will be for the best.
Side note: I've been really confused about recognizing God's will lately, and that's definitely relevant to this whole decision-making process. But when I started to pray about whether I should take this job, it took about ten seconds until I got a “yes.” Oh! Um . . . okay then?!?! I've been realizing that if I debate too much with myself and try to over-analyze the things I think God might want me to do, I can very easily persuade myself that it's nothing – ESPECIALLY if he's asked me to do something I don't want to do! But there's that story in 1 Kings 19 where God speaks to Elijah – not in the fire, not in the fierce wind or the earthquake, but in a gentle whisper. I really love that story. I'm starting to learn a little bit about that gentle whisper . . . like the fact that sometimes it's so easy to just ignore. But I'm realizing that I think if my relationship with God is good, and I think he might want me to do a certain thing, I'm far better off if I err on the side of willingness instead of erring on the side of skepticism (my natural inclination)! It's worked out extremely well for me in the past, so hopefully I can kind of keep it up.
Basically, my job will be sort of managing the overall public image of the ship – yeah, a pretty huge responsibility. I'll be working with local media in the ports we visit – offering interviews for t.v., radio, etc., hosting reporters, making sure they have all the information they need, etc. I have to know what needs to be emphasized and what needs to be de-emphasized, depending on what country we are in. And I'll be tracking and archiving what is said about us. I'm kind of shocked to have this type of job, and to have the chance to use my communications degree – honestly, I never really expected to use it in really a professional context, but here I go!
It promises to be interesting – and a challenge for SURE!!!!!
Cultural observations
Africa, lemme tell you, is quite a place. It's so different and there's always something new to see and learn. Then if you also take into account the many unique situations that result from putting so many cultures together on one ship, perhaps you can see how my life can be so . . . interesting sometimes! This a list of my favorite interesting/amusing culture moments I've had over the last weeks, both on and off the ship.
- Hanging out late at night in the dining room after work eating noodles. I've eaten more Korean noodles than I know what to do with, and practically set my mouth on fire in the process – but the best thing was seeing the stunned looks on the Korean's faces when I started making boxed macaroni and cheese in the microwave. Each step was more amazing than the last. :-)
- Seeing people walking out of the book fair carrying boxes of books on their heads – definitely a first for us! Talk about strong muscles there!!! I tried it once with a big basin of water and it was NOT EASY!!!!
- Also inside the book fair, one day we were visited by the chiefs from many local tribes, men regarded with great respect and treated as kings by most people in their culture. They are quite influential, but many are involved in the black magic/occultism that is prevalent in the area. For any of them to become a Christian could represent a great deal of change for their culture. We were privileged to be able to offer a special program for them, and afterward some of them came down to visit the book fair. They were a sight to behold in their traditional costumes, basically just draped in yards of stiff, brightly colored fabric. Definitely memorable!
- In my weekly fellowship group last week, each of us brought pictures of our family and were sharing a little bit about our lives back home – a topic that is usually barely discussed here on the ship, because, right or wrong, it sometimes seems irrelevant to us. I also showed a picture of our house, and then of the view in front of our house – a gorgeous shot of the valley and fields and mountains in the distance. But that picture met with loud exclamations from James, the Taiwanese in our group. “What?? WHAT?? Nothing??? It's nothing!!!” His shock was genuine – as evidenced by his eyes, which were so wide his eyeballs could almost have fallen out without anything to stop them. He explained me that the houses in Taiwan are so close and it would be unthinkable for there to be so much space – especially next to your house! :-)
- Hanging out late at night in the dining room after work eating noodles. I've eaten more Korean noodles than I know what to do with, and practically set my mouth on fire in the process – but the best thing was seeing the stunned looks on the Korean's faces when I started making boxed macaroni and cheese in the microwave. Each step was more amazing than the last. :-)
- Seeing people walking out of the book fair carrying boxes of books on their heads – definitely a first for us! Talk about strong muscles there!!! I tried it once with a big basin of water and it was NOT EASY!!!!
- Also inside the book fair, one day we were visited by the chiefs from many local tribes, men regarded with great respect and treated as kings by most people in their culture. They are quite influential, but many are involved in the black magic/occultism that is prevalent in the area. For any of them to become a Christian could represent a great deal of change for their culture. We were privileged to be able to offer a special program for them, and afterward some of them came down to visit the book fair. They were a sight to behold in their traditional costumes, basically just draped in yards of stiff, brightly colored fabric. Definitely memorable!
- In my weekly fellowship group last week, each of us brought pictures of our family and were sharing a little bit about our lives back home – a topic that is usually barely discussed here on the ship, because, right or wrong, it sometimes seems irrelevant to us. I also showed a picture of our house, and then of the view in front of our house – a gorgeous shot of the valley and fields and mountains in the distance. But that picture met with loud exclamations from James, the Taiwanese in our group. “What?? WHAT?? Nothing??? It's nothing!!!” His shock was genuine – as evidenced by his eyes, which were so wide his eyeballs could almost have fallen out without anything to stop them. He explained me that the houses in Taiwan are so close and it would be unthinkable for there to be so much space – especially next to your house! :-)
Liberia
A man swipes at a wall with a paint-laden brush. The paint was white when he began, but now, a few yards past his starting point, it is quite gray – polluted by the dirt of the wall he hadn't cleaned. Next to him, lizards try to scurry up the wall. Their feet slip on the wet paint, and they fall back to the ground – a failure. A girl wearing a glittery “Obama” shirt waits to cross the street. Next to the river one boy sells large fish, fully two feet in length. Nearby, a smaller boy holds a string of frogs, hanging by their front arms. Small children stand, naked except for the soap bubbles, next to the bucket that is their bath. A woman inside a food stand presses cooked rice into a mold for the sake of convenient consumption, while a child peddles tiny bags of plantain chips. The smell of lunch alternates with the smell of feces. A boy, by appearance around 12 years old, steps fearlessly into two lanes of flowing traffic, arms spread wide to stop the cars. Amazingly, they slow and then stop, and a pastor escorts an elderly lady across the street.
We wait for a taxi, finding one after twenty minutes. They want to charge us more for our skin color, but the local people accompanying us talk them down, insisting that it's not right.
This is Liberia.
I'll tell you a secret: I didn't really expect Liberia to mean very much to me. In Sierra Leone, I was kind of swept off my feet . . . I really loved it and didn't want to leave. In Ghana, I spent the whole first port at home; the second port was pretty neutral for me. It was fine, but not great; I was expecting my time in Liberia to be basically the same. But now I'm beginning to wonder otherwise . . .
We wait for a taxi, finding one after twenty minutes. They want to charge us more for our skin color, but the local people accompanying us talk them down, insisting that it's not right.
This is Liberia.
I'll tell you a secret: I didn't really expect Liberia to mean very much to me. In Sierra Leone, I was kind of swept off my feet . . . I really loved it and didn't want to leave. In Ghana, I spent the whole first port at home; the second port was pretty neutral for me. It was fine, but not great; I was expecting my time in Liberia to be basically the same. But now I'm beginning to wonder otherwise . . .
Me, Andrew Peterson, And A Really Big Coincidence
So, yesterday we hosted onboard an event for the many missionaries serving in Liberia, and after the event they came to visit the book store. I was really excited that we were offering such an event and equally excited to have a chance to meet them, but something happened that I totally did not expect. I was working at the information desk, and was approached by a young man with a strong Scottish accent who asked if I could search the computer to find a certain singer. I replied, “No, our system can't do that, but who are you looking for? Maybe I know who he is . . .” He said, "Um, his name is Andrew Peterson." I about fell over. Not everyone has the good fortune to be acquainted with his music, and out of 400-some people on the ship, he just so happened to ask me! Andrew Peterson has been my favorite singer for several years; so much of his music has been deeply meaningful to me through many different times of my life.
I was really sad to have to tell him that we didn't have any Andrew Peterson cds in the book store, but I couldn't help but think of all of the music that I had brought with me on my computer. I knew he couldn't just get it somewhere else – certainly not in a store in Liberia, and even amenities like internet are quite limited here. Ten minutes after he walked away, I was totally distracted; it was really driving me crazy that this missionary in Liberia had asked me for something very specific that I just so happened to own. And I've learned that really big coincidences usually aren't - but I couldn't figure out what that meant for me in that case. I really wanted to just give the music to him, but the problem was that God has been very strict with me recently about copyright infringement issues, so I couldn't just make a copy for him . . . finally it occurred to me that if I just paid the appropriate money a different way, I could give him the music, AP could have his fair earnings, and I wouldn't be stealing! I ran to my cabin, hurriedly put Resurrection Letters and Far Country on my USB stick, and was able to give it to him before he left – along with a prayer that he would be as blessed by them as I have been. I was super excited about it for the whole day!! :-D
Of all the far-fetched things in the world . . .
gotta love it. :-D
I was really sad to have to tell him that we didn't have any Andrew Peterson cds in the book store, but I couldn't help but think of all of the music that I had brought with me on my computer. I knew he couldn't just get it somewhere else – certainly not in a store in Liberia, and even amenities like internet are quite limited here. Ten minutes after he walked away, I was totally distracted; it was really driving me crazy that this missionary in Liberia had asked me for something very specific that I just so happened to own. And I've learned that really big coincidences usually aren't - but I couldn't figure out what that meant for me in that case. I really wanted to just give the music to him, but the problem was that God has been very strict with me recently about copyright infringement issues, so I couldn't just make a copy for him . . . finally it occurred to me that if I just paid the appropriate money a different way, I could give him the music, AP could have his fair earnings, and I wouldn't be stealing! I ran to my cabin, hurriedly put Resurrection Letters and Far Country on my USB stick, and was able to give it to him before he left – along with a prayer that he would be as blessed by them as I have been. I was super excited about it for the whole day!! :-D
Of all the far-fetched things in the world . . .
gotta love it. :-D
plie, plie, grand plie . . .
So I just have to share the highlight of my day, because, let's face it - I'm pretty excited.
About a month ago, just before I left to go home, one of the moms on the ship asked me if I would consider teaching a ballet class for her five-year-old daughter. I was totally surprised because, come on, I haven't done ballet for years and I've certainly never taught anyone - much less little girls. But I agreed to think about it, and spent the next several days considering the logistics in my mind. Where would we do it, when (my schedule changes every week!), what all would they be able to do, how would I know what to teach them, where would I get the music from, could I gather my dance stuff from home, how could I get fabric to make the little skirts the mom suggested . . . etc. etc.
While I was at home, a miracle happened. My mom had agreed to fund fabric for tiny pink sparkly skirts for the girls, but I didn't know what else they would wear. The day before my brother's wedding, the mother of the bride said to me, "I mentioned your ballet class to a friend of mine; she's cleaning out their school's old costume closet and wondered if she might have anything you could use!" She just so happened to have a stack - like, eight - of brand-new leotards, just the right sizes for the girls I planned to teach, so she gave them to me - along with several yards of pink and yellow satin and six silver tiaras. Can I say that I was excited??? (Side note: when I was a kid I had this idea that missionaries were super boring people, but in that moment I was thinking, "WOW, I love being a missionary!!!" If I had had the means to easily provide those leotards for myself, I never would have had that awesome and impossible blessing!)
Last week, the mom who had asked me about the class helped me draft and sew two little skirts for the girls (out of the satin - we're now saving the sparkles for a really special occasion) ;-) and today I had a practice class with her daughter. (Next week I'll start with all six girls, but I wanted to do a runthrough just with one.) She looked totally, totally adorable, wearing a black leotard, white tights, that little pink skirt, and a grin painted from one ear all the way to the other. We had some balancing challenges with the ship rolling (we're sailing right now), but we danced for half an hour, and when we were through she wanted to start all over again. :-D I think I'm going to enjoy this. :-) Yeah, so I'm not such a great dancer myself, but at least I have a little experience and these girls don't care if my jete looks awful. :-)
About a month ago, just before I left to go home, one of the moms on the ship asked me if I would consider teaching a ballet class for her five-year-old daughter. I was totally surprised because, come on, I haven't done ballet for years and I've certainly never taught anyone - much less little girls. But I agreed to think about it, and spent the next several days considering the logistics in my mind. Where would we do it, when (my schedule changes every week!), what all would they be able to do, how would I know what to teach them, where would I get the music from, could I gather my dance stuff from home, how could I get fabric to make the little skirts the mom suggested . . . etc. etc.
While I was at home, a miracle happened. My mom had agreed to fund fabric for tiny pink sparkly skirts for the girls, but I didn't know what else they would wear. The day before my brother's wedding, the mother of the bride said to me, "I mentioned your ballet class to a friend of mine; she's cleaning out their school's old costume closet and wondered if she might have anything you could use!" She just so happened to have a stack - like, eight - of brand-new leotards, just the right sizes for the girls I planned to teach, so she gave them to me - along with several yards of pink and yellow satin and six silver tiaras. Can I say that I was excited??? (Side note: when I was a kid I had this idea that missionaries were super boring people, but in that moment I was thinking, "WOW, I love being a missionary!!!" If I had had the means to easily provide those leotards for myself, I never would have had that awesome and impossible blessing!)
Last week, the mom who had asked me about the class helped me draft and sew two little skirts for the girls (out of the satin - we're now saving the sparkles for a really special occasion) ;-) and today I had a practice class with her daughter. (Next week I'll start with all six girls, but I wanted to do a runthrough just with one.) She looked totally, totally adorable, wearing a black leotard, white tights, that little pink skirt, and a grin painted from one ear all the way to the other. We had some balancing challenges with the ship rolling (we're sailing right now), but we danced for half an hour, and when we were through she wanted to start all over again. :-D I think I'm going to enjoy this. :-) Yeah, so I'm not such a great dancer myself, but at least I have a little experience and these girls don't care if my jete looks awful. :-)